What College Didn’t Teach Me

Almost a year out of Pepperdine, I’ve been finding more and more that I am actually quite unprepared for the real world and am left to wonder: For such an expensive education (thanks Dad), why didn’t I learn any of this stuff in college?  Why wasn’t there some sort of Home-Ec 101 type class where they teach the fundamentals of existing as a young adult?  Shouldn’t that have been a requirement?  A “Get Your Shit Together” course would be far more beneficial than 3 levels of Humanities…

So, basically, here is a non-exhaustive little list of exactly what I wish I had learned in undergrad:

How To Fix Just About Anything Car Related

 Jumping a battery, fixing a flat, hell even filling my tires with air.  I am 23 years old and have no idea how to take care of my car– laugh all you want.  Heaven forbid some light comes on someday or I get stuck on the side of the road.  I will just end it all right then and there.  Goodbye cruel world.

How To Make New Friends

Not even kidding.  How the hell do you meet people after college? I am the youngest person in my office by about 25 years, I have zero interest in joining a softball league and all the church small groups are full.  The only new friends I’ve made since graduating are through other people I graduated with.  #NoNewFriends

The Basics of Saving

Looking at all of the options for my future literally makes me want to rip my face off.  What the hell is a 401k?  Where should I invest?  How much interest am I charged? How many credit cards should I have? Why do I need to start setting aside money for retirement already?  I literally can’t afford groceries half the time, why should Future Jamie have all the fun? HELP.

How To Find a Drinking Middle Ground

My entire adolescent and college life I could hold my own and had zero problems drinking socially.  Go out, go hard, wake up, repeat.  Now, I literally have a beer and a half, get bombed, wake up, and never leave my home again.  The 3 day hangover is not a myth folks, it is a real thing and I have seen it with my own 2 eyes.  How did 10 months and a framed degree miraculously change my body’s absorption technique?  And HOW ON EARTH can I find a perfect middle ground between having fun and becoming a zombie?

How To Manage Your Errands

Sure, we all know how to do our laundry, ship our packages and vacuum the living room… but making the time to actually do those things is the absolute struggle of my life.  On weeknights, I feel like I deserve to veg on the couch after a long day at work, and then on weekends, I feel like it is against the rules to do anything proactive.  So basically all my big girl chores get neglected… indefinitely.

How To Turn Off Your Wanderlust.

Now that you work 5+ days a week and don’t have convenient 3 week breaks here and there, travel is a luxury that you can kiss goodbye.  But hey, maybe you are able to find a few days off  to put together– cool!  Now go take a look at Expedia to find that flight you wanted…. yeah, that’s what I thought.  Expensive as f***.  With that foolproof saving technique you’ve got going (see “The Basics of Saving”), you should be taking that vacation in …. *quick number crunch*…. never.

Pepperdine… Y U No Teach Me Things?

Your Reaction to Coachella’s 2014 Lineup

You’re going about your nightly routine, minding your own business.

Then, your phone buzzes.

And then it buzzes again.

Before you can even check them, you have 14 “AHGDSAYGFASLIASF” text messages from friends.

This must mean only one thing: The Coachella lineup has dropped.

You race to your computer faster than you’ve run all winter.

Coachella.com has crashed. That’s right, TOO. MUCH. TRAFFIC.

Never fear, a quick Facebook Newsfeed scan will be just as successful.

Sure enough, already 64 statuses from your friends flipping out posting the link.

You click.

It loads slowly.

TOO slowly.

The anxiety is killing you!

But then… she appears.

“It’s… so… beautiful.”

Your eyes scan the page feverishly.

Arcade Fire.

MGMT.

Ellie Goulding (…oh and Calvin Harris)

Muse.

Wye Oak.

The 1975.

Dillon Francis.

Lorde.

The Knife.

James Vincent McMorrow.

Kate Nash.

Lana Del Rey.

OH MY GOSH OUTKAST.

You’re dead.  You have actually died of excitement.

The end.  See you in Indio…

23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23

Wander Onwards

Marriage

As 2013 wraps up, I’ve been noticing more and more people getting engaged and/or married under the age of 23.

I get it.

It’s cold outside… you want to cuddle and talk about your feelings… life after graduation is a tough transition… so why not just cut to the chase and get married, right?  It’s hip. It’s cool. You get to wear clothing that wouldn’t normally be socially acceptable at the dive bar you frequent with the $5 beers.  Eff it. YOLO. YOMO! You only marry once…

Oh wait.

The divorce rate for young couples is more than twice the national average. Divorce is no longer a staple in a midlife crisis, but rather, something that SEVENTEEN Magazine should probably be printing on. Headlines could read,

“How to budget for your prom AND your wedding in the same year!”

“What’s HOT: Kids raising Kids.”

“Why your Mom doesn’t really…

View original post 831 more words

Icemageddon

When I moved to Texas, I stupidly assumed it would always be somewhat warm and that I was avoiding winters altogether.  I packed accordingly, so my closet is stocked with Spring and Summer essentials and pretty much nothing else.  Soon, I realized that Dallas does drop to the low 30’s and 20’s, and in a panic… called my mother to mail me a coat (Thanks Mom). This past week, Dallas was hit by what Texans are calling “Icemageddon”… a horrendous ice storm that occurs every 2-3 years.  I was “lucky” enough to experience one of these bad boys in my first few weeks since being here.  This was my experience:

On Wednesday afternoon, Dallas was sitting at a comfortable 81 degrees and all was well.

Coworkers began warning me of an upcoming storm that would soon hit us and warning me to stay off the roads.

I scoffed. “I’m from the North East. I know cold. This will be nothing. I mean c’mon. It’s in the 80’s right now…”

I woke up the next morning on Thursday to temps in the thirties.  My bod was thrown for a loop.

Worked through the day, cold as a popsicle at my desk.  IS THERE NO HEAT IN THIS PLACE?!

Around 2:00pm an email is sent to all employees to head home early since the icy rains were starting. “These people are so overly cautious.”

I begin my surprisingly hellish drive home, everyone is panicking.

I stop at the grocery store to pick up some dinner.  People are ravaging the aisles as if the apocalypse is upon us.

I get home, turn up the heat and enjoy a cozy night in.

Friday, the next morning I wake up to an alert that the highways are shut down, my work is closed and they’re unsure of when they’ll reopen.

I do a happy dance. NO WORK, NO WORK!

I go to take a shower… No hot water.

I go to watch some Netflix… No internet.

I go to the window… No roads in sight.  Only sheets of ice.

WHAT IS THIS TEXAS HELLSCAPE?!?!

I am iced into my apartment… what else is there to do but drink?

So friends walk over.  We drink.  We drink a lot.

Lots of cider.  Lots of spiced rum.  Anything hot.  Down the hatch.

Finally the internet comes back.  NETFLIX FOR DAYS!

Saturday I wake up.  Still no roads cleared.

NETFLIX.

Sunday I wake up.  No roads cleared.

NETFLIX.

Monday morning I wake up to an alert from work warning us not to come into work until around 11am– hopefully the roads will be safe by then.

I get on the road at 11am… they’re not safe.

Accidents.

Accidents everywhere.

I finally get to work and it is a ghost town. I’m literally one of 15 people here in a 14 story building.

No cars, no humans, no work to do.

So instead I’ll write this blog…

Happy Icemaggedon from my empty office!!

Cubicle Confessions: That 9-5 Life

Now that I’m a workin’ woman, I’ve got a particular schedule I like to adhere to in order to keep a healthy routine alive.  I suggest you do the same.  Mine is as follows:

6:50 am- Alarm goes off. Why, Why, WHY is the sun not up yet?!

6:55 am- Roll into your bathroom. See what you’ve got to work with this morning…

7:00 am- Realize all hope is lost and decide minimal effort will suffice today.

7:05 am- Mosey into your closet and smell your clothes to see which are the most suitable options.

7:10 am- Dress yo’ self.

7:20 am- Do the girly things you see in makeover montages– smiling not included.

7:30 am- Pack a lunch that most likely will be forgotten about in the office refrigerator. Whoops.

7:35 am- Commute to office– enjoy the sweet sounds of talk radio and Top 40 hits.

7:55 am- Enter the parking garage under your building and begin the shit storm of finding a free spot.

8:00 am- No spot yet. Oh and bonus: you’re now late.

8:10 am- Finally get to the lobby and past security.

8:12 am- Awkwardly pretend nobody else exists in your elevator and pray for silence

8:15 am- Clock in. $$ MONEY $$ OFFICIALLY MAKIN’ BILLZ YO’

8:20 am- Tilt your computer screen away from the hall and mess around on BuzzFeed for a while

8:40 am- Actually get stuff done. After all, you are a woman of the world…

10:45 am- Pretend your cubicle neighbor isn’t fighting with herself out loud (true story…)

11:30 am- Take a quick break to add some new flavor to your cube. Print out inspirational quotes from Google.

12:00 pm- LUNCH!! THERE IS A GOD AND HIS NAME IS OFFICE CAFE!!

12:10 pm- Quickly remember that you had packed a lunch after you bought your food already. Frick.

12:45 pm- Back to work.

2:35 pm- Hide in bathroom.

2:40 pm- Text friends from bathroom.

2:45 pm- Snapchat friends from bathroom.

2:50 pm- GET BACK TO WORK YOU LAZY BUM.

4:50 pm- Race to pack up all your belongings and close out all of your projects.

4:57 pm- Anxiously sit at the edge of your swivel chair to clock out.

5:00 pm- IT’S GO TIME! CLOCK OUT GIRL, YOU DID GREAT TODAY.

5:05 pm- Where did I park again?

5:15 pm- Why, Why, WHY can’t I Go-Go-Gadget over this traffic?!

5:20 pm- Personal pep talk to motivate yourself to work out when you get home.

5:40 pm- But my couch is so comfortable? And Netflix has missed me all day.

5:50 pm- Pour some wine, you deserve it sister.

7:00 pm- Goodnight World. I’m a grandma.

Yay Employment!